The Pull of the Dark Side

I yelled at my children this morning.  I confess this neither because it is such a rare occurence that the room immediately fell into a shocked silence nor because I feel like a terrible and abusive mother that doesn’t deserve to live.  I am telling you this because as I reflected on my behavior, I was struck with just how quickly I can go from being the “good” mother who practices positive discipline techniques and remains calm in the face of early morning gumpiness to the “bad” mother who feels like a junkie jacked up on crank after a 48 hour binge.   I, like all mothers (and fathers) am vulnerable to the pull of my “dark side.”  Some might call it satan, others, unresolved childhood trauma, unmet dependency needs or simply human frailty.  Whatever you want to call it we all have it.  It’s that room inside of us where we keep the feelings of ugliness, frustration, inadequecy, hurt and anger. 

Most of the time, if I am self-aware, and tending to myself spiritually, emotionally and physically, I can keep the door to that room shut (though never locked).  But when I am tired or anxious or feeling overwhelmed I feel the door open, sometimes just a crack, sometimes wide and I see the ugliness creep or leap or burst out.  I don’t like myself very much in those moments and I always feel sorry and ashamed of my behavior.   In those moments I defintely feel the presences of the “dark side” that Luke Skywalker contended with in Star Wars.  I think the apostle Paul referred to it in Romans 7:15 when he said “What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.” (The Message)

It’s hard to be the people God is calling us to be.  I know that this morning will not mark the last time I raise my voice to my children in anger.  I wish I could say that it would but I know myself well.  What I can say is that I am willing to confess to myself, to God and to my children when I am wrong and ask forgiveness.   That does not make it all better, but it does let me acknowledge to myself and others that I know this is something I am working to change.  I pray for the Fruit of the Spirit a lot:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)  I think I can honestly say that I’m seeing more of that fruit in my life as I am spending more time in prayer and self-reflection (therapy doesn’t hurt either).  I know I will always feel the pull of the dark side but with God’s help, I will continue to move toward the light.