A few days ago our friends went in to check on their two year old son Tristan who was sleeping in his bed and discovered that he was not breathing. All attempts to revive him were unsuccessful. Now our friends are dealing with a grief that I’m sure reaches right to the core of who they are. As a parent, I can easily let myself imagine the grief they are experiencing. They are living every parent’s worst nightmare and my heart breaks for them and their extended family.
When I told my children about Tristan’s death they were surprised and saddened for him and for his brother and parents. We recently spent time with our friends at their home and the memories of that lovely evening are fresh in all of our minds. Ben, my eight year old, was particularly shaken up. He has known other people who died but they were all older folks so the news of a child’s death was shocking to him as it is to all of us. “I didn’t know kids could die” was his initial response and he has worried each night since then that, like Tristan, he will not wake up. Both my children have, however, expressed their faith that God is taking care of Tristan. Last night as I prayed with them before bed Julia prayed to God to “keep Tristan close to your heart.” When talking about Tristan’s death, Ben expressed his belief that while his body was dead, he is in heaven with God and “God will take good care of him until his parents get there.”
As a Christian, I place my faith in the belief that death is not the end of life. I believe that life continues in the presence of God after this life is over. That is my faith; my “assurance of things hoped for, [my] conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1. The question I have been dealing with lately, however, is not about the next life but about this one. How do we live in the present with the grief and sorrow that life brings? When we allow ourselves to love anything or anyone we open ourselves to the potential for loss and over the course of our life these sorrows accumulate. How then, do we live and not be overwhelmed by the weight of sorrow and grief?
While I don’t pretend to have this all figured out, I have come to some conclusions about things that help me:
1. Stay connected. Being part of a community that can support you with love, friendship, humor, compassion, mercy, comfort, and the occasional meal is vital for all of us. As humans, beings created in the image of God, we are built for community and connection. We suffer when we are isolated and our grief and sorrow is amplified.
2. Cultivate stillness. If prayer is talking to God, then being still and quiet is listening for the answer. The temptation is to numb the emotional pain we are feeling with busyness, work, entertainment or mindless distraction (computer solitaire anyone?). As Elijah discovered when he was running for his life from Jezebel in 1 Kings 19, God was heard not in the drama of the great wind, the earthquate or fire, but in a still, small voice. God offers us the comfort of divine presence but we must quiet ourselves to experience that presence. Stillness, quiet and meditation is universally valued by virtually all religious traditions because there is great power in being able to be still enough to open oneself to the presence of God. In western culture quiet and solitude are essentially counter-cultural. If stillness is hard for you, find someone to mentor you in cultivating this spiritual discipline.
3. Find ways to redeem your suffering. Suffering and loss can, over time, be transformed into a powerful energy for doing good in the world. There are countless stories of those who took their suffering and allowed the pain to motivate them. The movie “Lorenzo’s Oil” relates the story of Augusto and Michaela Odone who’s relentless search to find help for their son’s degenerative nerve disease, adrenoleukodystropy (ALD), led to the discovery of a particular kind of oil that is now a standard treatment for children who have ALD. Their discovery did not heal their son (though it did halt the disease’s progression) but their work did help them to redeem their suffering for good. The crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus offers us a beautiful picture of God’s redemptive power. Even the worst human cruelty and suffering can be redeemed through the power of love.
I don’t offer these thoughts as any sort of pollyanna “three easy steps” to dealing with pain and sorrow. There is nothing easy about this process. My friends who are grieving for their son will be grieving for a long time. I do, however, offer up what I am learning about this terrible, beautiful, painful, joyous process of being a human: created in the image of God for relationships and therfore vulnerable to the sorrow that accompanies the joy of loving.
May each one of us find the comfort, the presence, the redemption that is available to all who seek.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. ” Matthew 7: 7:8
Thank you for your post — it helps to look at grief and sorrow in a different way. I’m sorry for your friend’s loss.
I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss, oh my. And you offer some hopeful ways to move through tragedy, a way to process the anger, hurt, grief, loss…I pray that some how this grief, this loss is redeemed, somehow…
welcome to revgals, I introduced your blog this morning on the revgals blog. I hope our community becomes a place of grace for you and your family.
welcome to revgals – and your words are wise. having myself just moved thru a year of significant loss… my oh my. god be with you.
I am new to revgals as well as saw your blog on the meet and greet. I am inspired by your TV fasting…it sounds like that is bearing much fruit for you and your family. My prayers are with you, your children and the family of the child who died. I am leading a Grief Support group right now and (as you mention)though there are no easy answers, you are doing some really good things to work through this time. Staying connected, allowing the feelings to come and be expressed, eating, resting, talking with trusted people and certainly inviting God into loss are all really healthy ways of grieving. Take care and I truly will be at prayer for you.
prayers for Tristan’s family and for you who minister to them. Thank you for this wise post… and welcome to revgals as well.
I read over several of the last posts – what a great journey you are on together as a family! Will stop back in again. Welcome to RevGals!
Deb
Thank you for your thoughtful comments on dealing with grief…it’s never an easy thing to do. And welcome to RevGals.
Welcome to RevGals. Thanks for this post.
I have lived with the death of a six yr old thise week, life is fragile; there are no words sometimes:
http://sallysjourney.typepad.com/sallys_journey/2007/12/no-answers.html
blessings on your journey, and welcome to revgals.
[…] weeks ago I wrote a post following the death of our friend’s two year old son entitled “Living With Sorrow.” Now I find myself having to revisit that post and remind myself of what I wrote there about […]